Never giving up
by BritishAlien
Summary: The end of the Fifth Doctor's run is a sad, lonely walk towards death. Here is some speculation and a look back over those he's lost and those he'll never give up on.  Pre-Regeneration Thank you for reading xx


Just a quick Fifth Doctor Regeneration snippet fic. Blimey Caves of Androzani is rather brilliant! Makes one think of all manner of things. Hope you enjoy. Thank you. xx

-x-x-x-

As the TARDIS doors shut silently behind him, he knew of the inevitability that he faced. Peri was asleep. Unconcious, allowing the bat's milk to flood through her system and save her life. That was the glimmer of hope that soothed his troubled brow. The fact that he was saving someone and not giving up.

This time he'd lost everything. Everyone who mattered to him. He'd lost the companions that had been with him through the last change. He'd lost their compassion and their dedication and he'd missed them. The pain of that severance had only just been reopened by Tegan's departure. He knew he'd never be able to convince himself that she had a good reason to leave. But he knew now that it was right for her to go back to the world that she'd run away from. But now was too late.

He'd lost Nyssa. Oh, Nyssa. Such a bright young thing. Shining brighter than anyone he'd ever met before and ever would meet again. He'd suppose. He'd been distraught when she'd decided to stay on Terminus. He knew that she'd held a candle for him. Ever since he'd…changed…he'd known. That departing kiss felt so sweet upon his cheek. And from that moment, she knew his feelings too. Yet, nothing was done.

Adric. A name that haunted him still. To be truthful, every name haunted him. Every moment of those he'd lost, drifted through his mind when alone or tired. Yet those he'd lost, truly lost, seemed more potent. And he'd lost Adric completely. For good. He knew that he and Adric had grown further apart since his change and yet, he still cared for the Alzarian who had stowed away on his ship. All those years ago. There was nothing he could have done to save him. Nothing at all.

He'd even missed Turlough. The short span of time he'd stayed on the TARDIS had been filled with dangers and disasters. Some of his own making. Yet, Turlough had been there during a difficult time. A necessary companion. Someone he was able to rely on. Even if he was jolly secretive at the best of times.

…..

And the pain hit. He could sense the impending cavalry of death riding furiously towards him.

'Is this death?' The weight that knelt upon his young shoulders began to double and then triple until finally he could bear it no more and he fell back. He could hear Peri stirring. Salateen and Sharaz Jek's comments had held true. One thing that he could take with him. The fact that he'd saved one life amidst the raging inferno of Androzani Minor that they now left behind.

'Ah Peri. I see, Professor Jackage knew his stuff. Good ol' Jackage.'

'Jackage? You got the bat's milk?'

'Contains an anti-vesicant I imagine. Interesting.' Keep talking Doctor. He repeated to himself. His mind was fighting to keep his thoughts straight, for her. The only one who had stayed. The only one he could save.

'And where is it?

'What?' Well, what else. Silly Doctor. He could feel it now. The change was beginning to drag away at everything that made him who he was and who he no longer would be. But it'd never felt like this before. Something was wrong.

'The bat's milk!' Exasperation spread over her every word. Emotion for a man she'd only just met, and yet a man who she cared for more than anybody else. And he'd risked his life for her.

'Finished. Only enough for you.' He would never have let another soul die if there was the possibility of life. He couldn't bring himself to do it. His insatiable curiosity had gotten them both into this mess. He'd seen the bright light of change earlier when he crash landed Stotzy's ship. But he'd fought back death to save her. He was not going to let her down now. Not like the rest.

'There must be something I can do. Tell me.'

'Too late, Peri. Going soon. It's time to say goodbye.' For now or forever?

'Don't give up. You can't leave me now.'

'I might regenerate. I don't know. Feels different this time.' And he let go. The Spectrox toxaemia had burrowed its way into his hearts and was ready to be released. He could feel death coming. Hurtling towards him like a dark knight or a King's Champion. Coming to retrieve his soul.

And there they were. All of those he'd left behind. Tegan, Turlough, Kamelion? Nyssa…and Adric. Always there. Haunting his dreams. But they wouldn't be his for much longer. Not if he died. He could feel himself losing control of his thought. This time he felt as if he was really going to fall asleep and never wake up. Never would he open his eyes to a new world and smile. Never again would he walk through eternity and bask in its magnificence. The things he'd miss.

'No, my dear Doctor, you must die. Die Doctor. Die Doctor!' The veracious pounding laughter of his age old enemy rang around his mind. Mocking him. Pulling him closer to death. He'd been there at the start and now even in death they were bound by coincidence. But this Doctor wasn't going to let him win. This young faced Doctor was not going to give in to the Master. Never.

And with a final burning effort of will and conscience, he drifted towards his endless sleep. He watched the new figure, who walked towards the dark, as he walked into the light. And allowed the new Doctor to take his place as the man who never gave up.

-x-x-x-

Thank you for reading. x


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